How Grief Looks Different in Children – And How to Help

Grief comes in waves – for children and adults. One moment we may feel normal, or even happy….and the next moment we are sobbing into our cereal. This is normal for both children and adults. These grief waves often come and go much quicker for children than they do adults because their brains, emotions and understanding of death are still developing.

There are some very common emotional reactions to grief in children. They may show sadness, irritability or mood swings. They may be overly anxious or cling to their caregivers. Children can also show emotions like anger, which often stems from fear. If the child lost a parent, fear of losing the other parent or a sibling can become a very real fear for them. For older children, they may withdraw from the family unit, wanting more alone time.

And just like adults, children can also feel the effects of grief in their body. They may have trouble sleeping. They may complain of headaches or stomach aches. And they may experience changes to their appetite. Their brain is experiencing a lot so trouble with concentration leading to problems in school is also possible.

Young children, adolescents, and teens all experience grief in very different ways. A five year old may ask “when am I going to see Grandpa again?” and the parent may answer “Grandpa’s heart was very sick and stopped working. And when his heart stopped working, he died.” The five year old may stop for a few moments, think about this answer, and then run off to play games or grab a snack. The answer provided tended to their curiosity….and yes, it is as simple as that for a young child. They don’t yet understand permanence so they may expect their loved one to come back. An older child may feel guilty, wondering if they caused Grandpa’s death. “I didn’t say I love you last time I talked to him”. Reassuring your child that they are not at fault for the death is important. For a teen, the answer can be more complex. The teen may ask questions like “what happened to Grandpa’s heart?” For a teen, telling them that Grandpa had a disease called coronary artery disease that blocked arteries in his heart, preventing blood from flowing in and out and thus causing the heart to stop, is a reasonable answer. We know that teens are very resourceful and what we don’t tell them, they will figure out on their own. As a hospice social worker, I included all members in end of life discussions and I would provide education and support at age appropriate levels for all members of the family. We include children in birth and babies – and they need to be included in death as well. Children in the same family will grieve differently – and that’s okay.

As a grief therapist, I often receive inquiries from parents seeking grief therapy for their children. I am always happy to support children, adolescents and teens through the loss of their loved one – but don’t be surprised if I’m also checking in with you, the caregiver. I often recommend having combined sessions or splitting the time between the caregiver and the children – because what I have noticed is that when caregivers are having their grief supported, they are better able to support children in their grief. Many adults I work with, were not taught how to grieve so when I can help them with their emotions, they are able to recognize similar emotions in their kids.

Everyone grieves differently and that’s okay.