The “5 stages of grief”….and other grief myths

When my dad died in 2011, I searched high and low for anything to make my grief better. That is when I stumbled upon Elisabeth Kübler-Ross’ “5 stages of grief’. Awesome….or so I thought. I bought the book and eagerly sat down to read it as fast as I could – except none of it felt right. I was going through the stages; sometimes several at a time, sometimes none, sometimes jumping from one to another. It wasn’t until I started studying grief that I found Kübler-Ross herself said her “stages of grief” didn’t really fit the person grieving, but rather the person dying. Ahhh, that made sense. My dad went through all of those stages: 1) Denial, 2) Anger, 3) Bargaining, 4) Depression, 5) Acceptance. Let me be clear, he didn’t go through those stages in steps, but rather bits and pieces at a time, until he finally reached acceptance, and that is when he died.

There are so many myths in the grief world – the “5 stages” being just one of them. Another favorite myth of mine is “Grief has a timeline”. Well, it sort of does. It’s OWN timeline. I have had so many clients ask me “Anna, when does grief end?” And I have to tell them “never”. The look of disappointment on their face is the same look I possess when I go looking for my favorite ice cream and can’t find it. Grief changes over time. I describe the grief journey as if you’re walking a track with a backpack full of rocks. When you first set off, the backpack feels really heavy. Over time, you learn to carry the weight. Shifting your body from one leg to the other. Sometimes walking faster, or slower. When you hit a curve, you might slow down. It’s the same with grief. Sometimes you carry it and it feels okay, “I can do this”. And other times it feels so heavy, so burdensome that you have to lay in bed all day. That’s normal (we’ll talk about when that isn’t normal in another blog).

Another favorite myth: you should “move on”. No you shouldn’t, and you don’t have to. When I was in school for my Master’s degree, I was interning with a mental health counselor who specialized in grief and bereavement. I remember saying to him “people move on” and he was very quick to correct me. He said “some people move on, some people move through, and some people just move”. And I have never forgotten that. No matter how you choose to move through grief, you will move. You will learn how to connect to your loved one as your move with your grief.

Look. I could carry on for paragraphs about grief myths. I’m going to leave you with this final myth: Acceptance means closure. So many people never feel closure. Depending on the relationship, the manner in which they died, and so many other factors, you will learn integration – carrying the loss differently over time. I also really don’t like the word “accept” when it comes to death. To “accept” means I am okay with something, and let’s be real, I will always wish my dad and my brother were still here. They died very young, with so much life left to live. Cancer took them from me well before they were ready….before I was ready. I can, however, acknowledge their deaths. Acknowledge is neutral. I don’t like it, and yet I can still acknowledge it.

The truth about grief is that it is as individual as the person experiencing it. If you are reading this, and you are 27 years old, your dad just died from pancreatic cancer, you have a mom and a younger brother, you’re newly dating someone you think you’re going to marry – your grief will still be different than mine. That is what makes me a really good grief therapist – I can sit with you and your story, and I know you are the expert in your story. I can hand you tools, guide you through difficult times, help you find joy amongst all the sadness – but I can’t tell your story for you. You have to tell your story.